it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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