After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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