I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
