the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
