I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
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