batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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