There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
