he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
