I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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