my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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