I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
