and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
