I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
