what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
