im about as happy as oj after his trial
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
