I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
You are a genius and a whore.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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