Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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