my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
