Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
