I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
