my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize
