a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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