she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
