porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
