Cold hands, warm shart.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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