I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
