i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
