I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
