Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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