I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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