I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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