I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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