I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I did not marry a roomba.
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