I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
