I smell stomach acid.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
