would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
