There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
