Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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