Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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