i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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