Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
