i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
