If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
