apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Randomize
