i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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