susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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