Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
