what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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