You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
two words...techno handjob
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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