The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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